Coaching in Analogies #7: Don't just have the soup
Author’s Note: This is the analogy that inspired the title of my book, “Don’t Just Have the Soup.”
A nonprofit leader had a direct report who wasn’t following her instructions. She couldn’t figure this out -- was it stubbornness, incompetence, something entirely different? During our coaching session, I was able to help her crack the code. She wasn’t expressing herself clearly or forcefully enough to be heard, or perhaps to be taken seriously. Being more direct made her uncomfortable, and correcting the mistake or misperception after the fact made her more uncomfortable.
I asked my client to imagine having a nice dinner out, and making her choice of a complement to the main dish. Let’s say it’s a hot day and you order a salad, I suggested. A few minutes later, the server comes back from the kitchen with a bowl of piping hot minestrone and offers to grind some fresh pepper on it for you.
Do you remind the server that you asked for a salad? Or, do you think to yourself, “It’s fine. Someone took the trouble to make this soup and pour me a bowl. I don’t want to waste it. It’s not that important. I’ll just have the soup.”
My client smiled. “I would totally do that,” she said. “And I hate soup!”
When you’re the leader, you get to have preferences and express them for others to follow. In fact, you have to do this. If you don’t, nobody on your team will have a sense of direction or know how they can grow in their roles. So, how to ease into this after a lifetime of backing away from what might seem like a conflict?
A good server will often replay everyone’s order before leaving the table to eliminate any ambiguity and make mistakes less likely. I asked my client what might happen if she suggested her employee read back their understanding of the request before an interaction is over.
The client said this readout would probably help make her instructions more clear. She also pledged to build a practice of reiterating and reminding… instead of just living with the soup.
Coaching prompts:
Are you making requests, or giving directions, clearly?
Are others hearing you? Do they know what you want?
What do you do if you get something that doesn’t meet your standards?
Image: Dennis Samson