Down with aspirational commitments!

“I’ll get that done for you as soon as I get back to my desk,” said the cheerful neighborhood plumber. It was a small paper detail, a loose end to tie up after he spent most of the day replacing the aging water heater in our house.

Sneak preview: he didn’t get it done for me when he got back to his desk, or ever. Not even after I followed up with multiple text messages and a phone call over several weeks. And guess whose services this homeowner will no longer be using or recommending to his neighbors?

I don’t believe the plumber was just making sh*t up when he said he’d do the remaining paperwork. I believe he fully intended to do so, but something got in his way. I’ll probably never know what that was.

Most of us want to deliver on others’ expectations, to exceed them without disappointment or confusion. But our desire to please can get in the way of our own priorities. And our ability to say yes far exceeds our ability to execute.

The solution is to stop making what I call “aspirational commitments.” An aspirational commitment is one you intend to keep, but can’t, won’t or don’t. If you find yourself doing this a lot, here’s how to end this troublesome practice and remain true to your word:

1. Know your own schedule. Your own limits, too.

Stop. Breathe. Look at your calendar. Can you really tackle another project right now, or can you afford to put something else aside to handle this new priority? Is it worth extending your work day, or staying up late at night? If it’s something similar to what you’ve done before, you should know the answers to these questions. If not, how big is the learning curve? 

If your answer to yourself is, “I can’t,” read on.

2. Say no. A lot more often.

Have you ever given a half-hearted “yes” to something or someone? I have. As has almost everyone I know. If the enthusiasm just isn’t there, getting the thing done is going to be a struggle. I’ve heard of the whole “If it’s not a [expletive] yes, it’s a no,” idea. I like a little more wiggle room, though I generally think yesses should be enthusiastic ones. But we do things that aren’t enthusiastic sometimes.

Why? Probably because you felt obligated, or didn’t want to disappoint someone. The relationship or the history felt more important than the cost to you of taking the action.

But a lukewarm yes makes it less likely you’ll live up to those expectations by doing the thing, or doing it well, or doing it on time. So preserve the relationship and the history by saying no up front. Here are a few ways to do that.

3. Offer a substitution.

A substitution is a “no” that feels like a “yes, and” instead. Can you throw resources or a referral at that request? If you lead a team, you can delegate. Possibly to someone who can do it better or faster than you can. Rely on your network of people who do similar things. The requester will still feel grateful that you helped bring about a solution.

Think, “I can’t bake cupcakes for the PTA bake sale, and I’ll donate a couple of dozen from the local bakery instead.” Or, “I can’t take on any new clients right now, and I’ll be happy to introduce you to three other coaches who do great work.”

4. Finish.

Early in my television career, I had a producer who was fond of saying, “The best kind of story is a done story.” Put another way, most stories don’t get an Emmy, but most stories meet their deadline. 

If your commitments have become aspirational because you’re missing your own deadlines, let the deadline drive the process instead. Stop revising the draft, stop letting the perfect be the enemy of the good. There is no point in wondering how much better it would have been if you’d only had four more days. Just get it done. Be glad it’s done. And watch the person who asked for it become glad it’s done too. 

5. Pull the fire alarm.

During our conversation at my house, the plumber mentioned an ailing family member. So, one of the many stories in my head about why he never got back to me: a small, family business faces a possible family tragedy. There have been so many in the past several months, after all. Expected or unexpected, emergencies happen. 

This is when you pull your fire alarm.

Find a friend, a distant relative, a colleague, anyone you trust. Take 2 minutes to assemble a list of people, with contact information, who are expecting to hear from you now and into the near future. Have your surrogate reach out and explain why this can’t happen right now, with an apology. This turns your unfulfilled aspirational commitment into an excused absence. 

And as with all of these ideas, it keeps your stakeholders on your side.