The red nose

When I met him for the first time, the client looked like he fit the profile. Federal employee. Decades of experience in law enforcement. Uniform. With a bald head, a large frame and a powerful handshake.

I wasn’t intimidated, exactly. Though I will say he got my attention. 

It turns out first impressions were exactly what he wanted to discuss in coaching. He had recently landed a new assignment in an unfamiliar office. He saw himself as a person who had a big heart, in an environment not known for caring. He did care. He wanted to look after his team, for them to trust him and confide in him.

But he had enough self-awareness to know how he came across to people who didn’t know him well, and he wanted to soften the impact.

We talked through examples of people he knows, and why he considers them approachable and kind. One thing they had in common was an element of silliness. Of not taking themselves too seriously.

With his permission, I decided to take my client through a small thought experiment.

“What would happen if you took on a completely silly element in your appearance,” I asked, “like a red clown nose?”

He looked puzzled. “You want me to wear a red clown nose to the office?”

“Not exactly,” I replied. The idea I had in mind was slightly different: for him to put himself into a team or group setting while imagining he was wearing a red clown nose. That something might change in the way he interacted with others if he took himself less seriously, and this enabled them to take him less seriously.

His reaction included a facial expression that, if I’m being honest, was a little hard to read. But he did agree to try on an imaginary red clown nose at the office holiday party a couple of weeks later.

At the party, it turns out my client was able to have several engaging conversations with staffers about their plans for the holiday. It was a tentative first step toward building the trust he was seeking. And he never had to worry about an actual red nose falling into the punch bowl.

Coaching prompts:

• In what ways might the impression you make on others be shaped by your impression of yourself?

• What attributes would you like to see more of in yourself, and what attributes would you like to see less of? What might change as a result?