The devastating pep talk
It was my first job in local government. I was the main point of contact in a council member’s office for two important and demanding groups of stakeholders: the community, and the press. My third hat, as if the other two weren’t enough: I was somehow, improbably, also going to law school at night.
In short, it was a lot. Early mornings, late nights, weekend work. I often felt like the job was taking more than I could give.
This is not the ideal state of mind for receiving performance feedback. And so, when I found myself invited into my boss’s office for a little chat, I was not quite equipped for what he would offer.
He seemed to have gathered a collection of anecdotes on his own, and from my colleagues, about how the quality of my work wasn’t what it once was. I was moving too fast to close out cases. I had kept some people waiting for a response. “Alan,” he said, “I want you to go home over this weekend and think – really think – about whether this is what you want to be doing with your life.”
I should mention that any kind of positive feedback was rare in this job. My boss was quick to complain and criticize, and offered little praise. His standards were quite high. My colleagues and I understood that any interest in developing us as a staff was secondary to this leader’s ultimate objectives of consolidating power and staying in office. I viewed his feedback through this lens, and I was pretty devastated that my self-perceived 110 percent effort seemed to be coming up short.
And yet, upon reflection, my boss was right. This wasn’t what I wanted to be doing with my life.
Several months and a few hushed conversations later, I had a new job in a different branch of government. I might have arrived there on my own at some point, but the nudge from my old boss definitely helped. I later found out he had someone else he wanted to slot into my role, but strongly preferred that I leave on my own. I came to refer to his tactic as the “devastating pep talk.”
We learn many lessons from the leaders we choose not to emulate. I would not go on to belittle my own staff, or to insist on always being the smartest person in the room even when I wasn’t. But I did stick the devastating pep talk way down in my tool belt, and came to rely on it a few times as a leader and occasionally as a coach.
Here’s why. When you have someone on your team who is underperforming, or the wrong fit, or has outgrown the role without the potential to advance, you’re doing a disservice to that person, the team, the organization and yourself. But firing an employee can be a challenge. It exposes the employer to separation pay and litigation risk. It’s hard on the leader and the employee, which I know from being on both sides of that table more than once.
Far better for someone to come to their senses, find a great new job and walk out the door without a security escort. The leader’s job in this scenario isn’t to criticize, or demean, or make the other person feel any kind of bad about their performance as my boss once had. Instead, it’s to light a little spark of curiosity. To plant the seed of possibility and hope to watch it grow.
Something along the lines of…
“You’ve been in this job for a number of years, and I know it hasn’t always been easy for you. Sometimes it’s best to take on a new challenge. I’d like you to spend some time before our next meeting thinking about whether this is really what you want to be doing in the long term. If the answer is no, I’ll do whatever I can to help you land your next role.”
Of course you’re suggesting that the answer is no. Of course you’ll have an uncomfortable conversation on your hands if the employee asks if they’re about to be fired. And of course you’ll need to take further action if they decide they really do want to be in the role they’re in.
But a version of the devastating pep talk, delivered with kindness and compassion, can lead to a better outcome for everyone involved.
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