Coaching in Analogies #13: Spinach in my teeth?
I once had a coffee meeting with an old friend I hadn’t seen in awhile. I was so glad to have the opportunity to catch up -- we had many stories to swap. He looked good, except for one thing.
My friend had a single, solitary hair that had outgrown the bounds of his right nostril and was dangling around in the fresh air. I couldn’t bring myself to say a thing! Years later, I still regret this.
This is TOUGH. I’ve recommended entire, excellent books on the topics of feedback and constructive criticism. I’ve struggled with it myself. It’s about niceness and not disrupting the flow of a relationship.
Often, clients tell me they wouldn’t say anything if they discovered a family member was walking around with spinach in their teeth. Then we get to talk about why, and how it’s awkward even though having this information would obviously help the other person.
I discovered a related story decades ago when reading an autobiography by broadcasting giant Dan Rather. He was sharing his version of an elevator encounter in a hotel, where the person was looking at him quizzically. Rather thought this was another case of something that would happen to him often: a viewer dumbstruck in the face of celebrity.
Not so, as his fellow passenger finally figured out how to speak up. Turns out Rather’s fly was unzipped and a shirt tail was sticking through. He sheepishly said thanks, and wondered how long he had been walking around like that.
Coaching prompts:
When is constructive or critical feedback actually in service of your relationship with someone?
If you find yourself holding back on saying something that’s on your mind, why?
