Counterpoint: You’re (still) doing it right!
Editor’s note: I wrote last July about clients who worry that they’re wasting my time, or showing up wrong as the client. One piece of advice I gave was to come prepared with a topic, or at least a starting point. My good friend and Peaceful Direction partner Jennifer Hart has a different point of view.
Jennifer told me she’s had wonderful coaching sessions when clients came in with NO IDEA of what they wanted to discuss with her. Because we both thought this would be a wonderful illustration of how coaches have different styles, I interviewed her on the subject for a blog post. (Lightly edited) results follow.
Alan:
You mentioned that you had read a blog post of mine. Thank you for reading that, by the way, it means a lot. And that you had a completely different take on the idea of what it meant to come prepared to a session or not. And therefore, what is required of the client to have a successful coaching session?
Jennifer:
I always enjoy your blog!
So… the more I coached, the more I noticed a distinction between what clients THOUGHT they wanted to work on and what they ACTUALLY wanted to work on. And I found that my sessions became more effective when instead of asking clients to come prepared with a specific topic, I asked them to prepare for how they wanted to show up (e.g., energy, mindset) to be in a more reflective space. And as the coaching relationship progressed, I’d ask them to reflect on broader themes not always directly related to their goals. This approach seemed to work better for many of my clients -- and for me as a coach!
It completely surprised me. I didn't start out coaching that way. It used to frustrate me when a client would show up and say, “I don't really know what I want to talk about.” Now, it’s a hidden gift that I've come to really enjoy: the process of exploration. We start unwrapping layer by layer. And then we see the lightbulb come on. It feels like the client is making a much deeper connection. . . naturally.
Alan:
So what resonates with me, and I do see this a lot, is the people we're coaching are very busy and their one hour or two hours with you a month might actually be the only time they spend on self reflection. So peeling back the cover a little bit here on your process: when they come in and they say, “Yeah, I don't know, sorry. I haven't really had time to think about that. I don't know what we're going to talk about today.” What do you do?
Jennifer:
In my previous life I did a lot of media training. So I was on the other side of the table from you (the former journalist!) helping executive spokespersons to stay on message. A common interview technique among journalists is silence, which causes the interviewee to fill in the space with unscripted responses, often unintentionally revealing the true nuggets of information. It's the same thing in coaching. When you just sit there quietly and smile and say, “Well, let's see what comes up.” And clients start talking. The level of processing here is unconscious and often gets to the heart of the issue more quickly because clients haven’t had time to work on their “story.” This is important, because we ALL tell ourselves stories. When clients overly prepare for coaching sessions, many times they are more attuned to the narrative than what they are actually thinking/feeling. Worse yet, these stories can reinforce deeply held limiting beliefs (self) or villain narratives (others) that aren’t conducive to change and growth. When the coaching journey starts with a blank slate -- the conversations are more authentic... and honest.
Alan:
So what you're asking for is an openness and a receptivity rather than a specific topic or subject.
Jennifer:
Exactly. I’ve found that once a coaching relationship progresses, I don't have to ask my clients to prepare -- if there is something burning on their minds, they bring it automatically. On the other hand, when clients try to fill in topics when nothing is naturally coming up (often trying to please me!) the conversations just aren’t as rich or as productive.
Alan:
Sure. And just to clarify, you're not saying don't come to coaching with goals. You do have some idea of what you'd like to work on in general.
Jennifer:
Coaching is NOT helpful if you just talk in circles -- you absolutely need goals. I just don’t believe that clients have to be 100 percent clear about their goals at the onset, or that goals have to be “perfect.” Obsessing about setting the “right” goals can actually fuel a counterproductive energy that detracts from the coaching experience. At the beginning, it can be enough for clients to recognize that something is holding them back, either from seeing clearly or from taking concrete steps to get to where they want to be. Or even just that they feel stuck. So I invite clients to think about what they actually want (again, not what they think they SHOULD want; a subtle but powerful distinction). And where they would like to be holistically -- not just on the job. And to hold these reflections lightly, because goals are made to be achieved AND broken!
Alan:
Sure. And so final question then, what do you need them to do? Or how do you need them to be for the session to be a successful one?
Jennifer:
All I need from clients is a desire for coaching and a willingness to explore change. If the coach and client are not curious, you're going to have very flat conversations, which is frustrating for both. And the client won’t be as willing to experiment or play with new ways of thinking or doing things in practice, which is how positive change actually comes about. Conversely, the more that a client is willing to stretch themselves between coaching sessions, the more they instinctively know what they want to talk about. This makes it feel less like homework and more like helping them to own the coaching space for themselves. And the problem that was never there ends up resolving itself.